I'm sure everyone has something therapeutic outside of laying on a couch rambling to a stranger about your deepest anxieties and fears.  Sometimes I run (slowly and for small amounts of time), sometimes I shop (budget-permitting), and sometimes I draw.

I heard Louis CK talking the other day about times in his life when he was particularly overweight as being "on the outside looking in."  When I was 17 I was about 100 lbs heavier than I am now, 13 years later.  I had no idea that I was as big as I was, and when I look back at photos I'm genuinely surprised at what I looked like.  I was never bullied or made fun of (that I know of), and, with the exception of some good-intentioned but poorly-delivered attempts from my grandparents, never given any grief from my family.  In my head I was just chubby, but never really IN it.  Hard to explain, but I didn't date, didn't really have the same high school experiences as most people with parties and going out all the time.

My first year of college I lost about 80 lbs and worked really hard to lose the other 20 shortly there after.  It was about that time that I made some wonderful friends, joined a sorority, started dating, and felt like I was finally living my life.  I think anyone who goes through something like that will forever be somewhat terrified of getting back there.  I have a great sense of perspective most of the time - I don't stress over 5 lbs here or there (especially being 5'-9"), but the idea of losing the life I have now and returning to what I was before is something always at the back of my mind.  


It's amazing how much your view of your body changes from day to day, if not more frequently.  There are days I catch my reflection and feel surprised by how healthy I look, and there are days where I see myself and want to cry at an extra curve here or there.  I think drawing myself helps a lot.  You can tell what REALLY doesn't look right, and start to come to terms with what you're really working with.  It usually helps me focus and calm down.  In the end, if that doesn't work, there's always shopping.

Kelley BozarthComment